I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
