Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
