note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
