he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize