WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
