he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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