I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
