Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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