what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
