I wanna bring you to show and tell
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
