Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
