I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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