Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
