Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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