Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize