Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
