I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
