Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
