We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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