Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
