Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
