can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
