Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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