if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
