they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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