dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
