i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
