Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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