i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
