somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
