wrigley field is MILF paradise
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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