My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
