i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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