why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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