Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
