His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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