I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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