i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize