im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
