TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
