shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize