made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
