I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
