He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
