Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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