Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
