Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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