I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
