I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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