I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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