Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
