Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
