I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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