It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
