i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
