shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
