Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
