I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
