I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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