I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
